Penny Blake

Extraordinary Everyday

Month: October, 2014

Escapological Marbles

Entry Taken From Weapons Of Choice And Miscellaneous Combatalia For Extraordinary Ladies And Gentlemen

Escapological Marbles

Whether you are tailing a notorious villain or being tailed yourself, no extraordinary adventurer should ever be caught without their marbles. Make sure you always have a nice sized bag to hand, ready to thwart the expeditious actions of your enemies.

How do they work?

Er…are you serious? You honestly don’t know how to use a bag of marbles to make good your escape? Tush and Fi what sort of an upbringing have you had? Go and find a five year old to explain it to you!

Spot Of Bother Boots

Entry taken from Weapons Of Choice And Miscellaneous Combatalia For Extraordinary Ladies And Gentlemen:

These awesome items of exemplary expeditional footwear are equipped to hoist the wearer out of any amount of adventurous difficulty. The boots cut such a spectacle of indomitability that they cannot fail to impress upon the senses the notion that the wearer is certainly an extraordinary individual who is aptly furnished to deal with absolutely any amount of bother (perhaps even a modicum of catastrophe).

 

How do they work?

In case of the need for expeditious retreat: The souls of the boots are packed with gunpowder tea which can be ignited by stamping down on the heel, causing the two pieces of metal concealed therein to strike together producing a 3,000degreeC spark. The resulting explosion forces a blast through circular holes in the sole of each boot, thus rocketing the wearer 800 ft into the air. At this point, the concertinaed wings on the side of each boot may be extended by unleashing them from their metal restraining clips and looping the leather guide ropes around each wrist, thus locking the wings in an outstretched position and allowing the wearer to both remain upright and to maneuver the wings to utilize warm air currents and optimize lift. An internal gyroscopic mechanism located on the top of the boot’s toe allows the wearer to navigate and maintain balance.

In case of the need for sudden invisibility: A switch operated with the big toe sends an electrical current from a single GORGON mini-battery through a copper filament coiled around several glass vials arranged along the outer edge of each boot. Each vial contains dry ice which, when heated in this way, becomes a thick, impenetrable fog and rises from the vials to surround the wearer, thus rendering their personage invisible.

In case of the need to do bloody murder: Attached to the side of the right boot is a holster perfect for housing one of the compact models of the GORGON aether-colliding energy ray pistol, such as the ladies’ 00HOWDELIGHTFULLYTINY or the gentlemen’s 00DEARWHATAPITYITALLHASTOENDLIKETHIS.

In case of the need for mass annihilation:

Attached to the side of the left boot is a mammalian heartbeat short-range transponder mounted atop a GORGON portable pocket cannonette. The transponder locks the cannon onto a target at a range of up to 20ft and fires one shot before locating a new target.

In case of the need for swift incapacitation:

Three incapacitating poison darts are located in a leather pouch on the side of the left boot.

In case of the need for emergency biscuits:

Emergency biscuits are located in a leather pouch on the side of the right boot, along with one vial of emergency absinthe and one vial of emergency super-strength earl grey.

Power source?

Various.

Possible limitations / set backs?

There have been occasional reports of mishap when attempting to use the spot of bother boots to get out of spots of bother:

  1. Although the rocket booster can usually be relied upon to catapult the wearer to a height of approximately 800 feet, allowing them to extend the wings and make good their escape, instances have been noted when the boots have failed to quite reach this height. One example is the unfortunate case of Mr. Arthur. J. Aldershot who found himself stranded on the roof of his tithe barn after attempting to escape from an irate band of milkmaids whom he had recently dared to replace with GORGON Agri’ton farm machinery.
  2. As heat is used to activate a large number of the boots’ most excellent bother-defying features, close proximity to external heat sources may accidently trigger one or more of the functions. For example, Lady Grace De Coup, sitting with her feet upon the fender in the drawing room of her mother’s country mansion, suddenly found herself sitting amid the blighted wreckage of the lower floors surrounded in billowing clouds of fog. Thankfully the explosion had not damaged the emergency biscuits and the simmering mixture of absinthe and earl grey was, according to her ladyship, ‘the perfect reviving beverage to be taken under the circumstances.’
  3. It is vital that the boots are kept clean and free from dirt and debris which may clog the mechanisms, causing some of the features to backfire, and also to be aware of the precise actions of the feet and toes which will activate the boots’ various features to avoid accidental activation and possible loss of life and limb.

Bellicose Pocket Watch

A Little Background:

This is the item that began this collection of waistcoat-pocket weaponry and, to be fair, all credit for it lies with the fateful day, several years ago now…2009 perhaps?…. that I read a disparaging article (which I cannot now for the life of me locate to reference) claiming that Steampunks were (I paraphrase)

“wannabe Goths without the savvy to embrace skulls, chains and spikes and instead have developed an unhealthy obsession with pocket watches – ooo how scary! What are they going to do? Aggressively tell us the time?”

And so, me being utterly myself, instead of getting hot under the collar decided to develop a set of weapons that would enable me to do just that…and more… and the Bellicose Pocket Watch was born…

Entry taken from Weapons Of Choice And Miscellaneous Combatalia For Extraordinary Ladies And Gentlemen:

Bellicose Pocket Watch:

This looks like any ordinary pocket watch but woe betide the villain who vexes the extraordinary lady or gentlemen carrying this little beauty amongst their arsenal. Want to aggressively inform someone that ‘their time is up’ ? This is the weapon for you.

How does it work?

The actual clockwork mechanism has been compressed so that it now takes up only half the given space inside the standard casing. Behind the mechanism, is concealed a 2mm gun barrel loaded with a single hatpin, the tip of which has been dipped in the deadliest poison known to human kind. Under the pretext of winding the watch, the user can activate a tiny push button which fires the pin into any personage standing in close proximity. Death is instantaneous.

Possible limitations and setbacks:

A large number of accidental deaths have occurred due to the fact that it is easy to confuse the Bellicose Pocket Watch with a common time piece and attempt to wind it up without being aware of the consequences.

The Opprobrious Pith Helmet

Entry from Weapons Of Choice And Miscellaneous Combatalia For Extraordinary Ladies And Gentlemen

Opprobrious Pith Helmet

Due to the fact that this item of militant millinery must be created using some of the most powerful and nefarious magic known to human kind, it is an extremely rare (though curiously not much sought after) article. Although the Opprobrious Pith Helmet looks much like any run of the mill piece of expeditional headwear, it is in fact merely a vessel (something akin to a bottle of jinn, if you will) for housing the pugnacious spirits of various deceased, demonic matriarchs.

How does it work?

The spirit of the deceased may be that of a mother, aunt, grandmother or any other female relative of the one who is to wear the helmet. The effectiveness of the helmet depends entirely upon the relationship between the spirit and the wearer so in some cases a closer relationship is more desirable, whilst in others, clearly, not.  (It has been known for helmets to fall into the possession of those with no family connection to the deceased but the results have usually been catastrophic.) When the wearer is in dire need, the spirit within the hat is bound to leap to their defense – this is the condition of a contract created between the magic user who created the helmet and the spirit. In exchange for this service, the spirit obviously benefits from the deal by being allowed back into the world to voice its opinions and interact with the populous at large, albeit in the restrictive form of a hat.

Set backs and possible limitations:

Obviously, as the hat, or at least the spirit inside it, has a mind of its own it may not be relied upon to always provide the most appropriate or helpful support to the wearer in times of jeopardy. In some cases, the spirit within has even been known to bring vast quantities of jeopardy upon the wearer, particularly where the spirit is one who takes a certain malicious delight in vexing the wearer or causing them physical harm or social embarrassment.

A true Opprobrious Pith Helmet is a rare thing indeed and, sadly, fakeries abound. The most common of these use a concealed voice recording played on an intermittent loop and concealed within the lining of the helmet in order to emulate the voice of a spirit, however there was once a case of an African grey parrot being concealed inside the lining which was only discovered when the creature died and began to smell.

More Miscellaneous Militant Millineria

From the upcoming book: Weapons Of Choice And Missileaneous Combatalia  – A Pocket Book For Extraordinary Ladies And Gentlemen by Penny Blake

 

2. Shocking Bad Bonnet Of Frightful Impropriety

This bonnet is as frightful, shocking and improper in its visage as in its propounded effects. Its ability to remove the inhibitions of the wearer in a fashion comparable to six bottles of absinthe but without any of the unpleasant (physical) after effects, instantly affords it a wide variety of uses.

How does it work?

A series of electrodes inside the bonnet send inhibitory signals into the behavioural inhibitory centers within the cerebral cortex of the wearer, thus inhibiting their natural inhibitions as long as they are wearing the bonnet. The bonnet does not affect any other part of the brain and once removed the wearer experiences no ‘after effects.’

Power source?

One standard sized GORGON battery will power this bonnet for approximately 12 months depending on useage.

Possible limitations / set backs?

This bonnet should only be used by ladies and gentlemen who know no limits.

 

3. Blinking Cap

The Blinking Cap looks deceptively like any ordinary everyday workman’s cap, the difference being only that when the wearer puts it on they are cursed with a sudden involuntary plague of violent and rapid spasms of the eyelid.

This rapid eyelid movement allows the wearer to see miraculous visions of the past, present and future. The wearer is thus able to see what is occurring in a place even though they may be some distance from it, also to see what has happened previously in the past and, most astoundingly, to predict what will happen in the future.

How does it work?

The blinking cap utilizes the medical phenomenon of the glabella tap and replicates it on an intermittent basis via a small metal hammer attached to the front peak of the cap. The hammer tapping on the forehead of the wearer stimulates a primitive nerve reflex causing the subject to blink, however in order for the reflex to continue to function, the tapping must not be continuous, otherwise desensitization will occur and blinking will cease. The intermittent mechanism can be set and controlled via the metronomic function device secured within the brim.

Power Source?

The metronomic function device which controls the hammer mechanism is available powered by clockwork or by GORGON mini-battery.

Limitations?

Those wearing the blinking cap for long periods have complained of immense irritation, headaches, hallucinations, chronic insanity and blindness. Of course it is impossible to control, or indeed sometimes to interpret, whether the visions induced by the hat pertain to the past, present or future, or indeed whether they are real at all.