Spot Of Bother Boots
These awesome items of exemplary expeditional footwear are equipped to hoist the wearer out of any amount of adventurous difficulty. The boots cut such a spectacle of indomitability that they cannot fail to impress upon the senses the notion that the wearer is certainly an extraordinary individual who is aptly furnished to deal with absolutely any amount of bother (perhaps even a modicum of catastrophe).
How do they work?
In case of the need for expeditious retreat: The souls of the boots are packed with gunpowder tea which can be ignited by stamping down on the heel, causing the two pieces of metal concealed therein to strike together producing a 3,000degreeC spark. The resulting explosion forces a blast through circular holes in the sole of each boot, thus rocketing the wearer 800 ft into the air. At this point, the concertinaed wings on the side of each boot may be extended by unleashing them from their metal restraining clips and looping the leather guide ropes around each wrist, thus locking the wings in an outstretched position and allowing the wearer to both remain upright and to maneuver the wings to utilize warm air currents and optimize lift. An internal gyroscopic mechanism located on the top of the boot’s toe allows the wearer to navigate and maintain balance.
In case of the need for sudden invisibility: A switch operated with the big toe sends an electrical current from a single GORGON mini-battery through a copper filament coiled around several glass vials arranged along the outer edge of each boot. Each vial contains dry ice which, when heated in this way, becomes a thick, impenetrable fog and rises from the vials to surround the wearer, thus rendering their personage invisible.
In case of the need to do bloody murder: Attached to the side of the right boot is a holster perfect for housing one of the compact models of the GORGON aether-colliding energy ray pistol, such as the ladies’ 00HOWDELIGHTFULLYTINY or the gentlemen’s 00DEARWHATAPITYITALLHASTOENDLIKETHIS.
In case of the need for mass annihilation:
Attached to the side of the left boot is a mammalian heartbeat short-range transponder mounted atop a GORGON portable pocket cannonette. The transponder locks the cannon onto a target at a range of up to 20ft and fires one shot before locating a new target.
In case of the need for swift incapacitation:
Three incapacitating poison darts are located in a leather pouch on the side of the left boot.
In case of the need for emergency biscuits:
Emergency biscuits are located in a leather pouch on the side of the right boot, along with one vial of emergency absinthe and one vial of emergency super-strength earl grey.
Possible limitations / set backs?
There have been occasional reports of mishap when attempting to use the spot of bother boots to get out of spots of bother:
- Although the rocket booster can usually be relied upon to catapult the wearer to a height of approximately 800 feet, allowing them to extend the wings and make good their escape, instances have been noted when the boots have failed to quite reach this height. One example is the unfortunate case of Mr. Arthur. J. Aldershot who found himself stranded on the roof of his tithe barn after attempting to escape from an irate band of milkmaids whom he had recently dared to replace with GORGON Agri’ton farm machinery.
- As heat is used to activate a large number of the boots’ most excellent bother-defying features, close proximity to external heat sources may accidently trigger one or more of the functions. For example, Lady Grace De Coup, sitting with her feet upon the fender in the drawing room of her mother’s country mansion, suddenly found herself sitting amid the blighted wreckage of the lower floors surrounded in billowing clouds of fog. Thankfully the explosion had not damaged the emergency biscuits and the simmering mixture of absinthe and earl grey was, according to her ladyship, ‘the perfect reviving beverage to be taken under the circumstances.’
- It is vital that the boots are kept clean and free from dirt and debris which may clog the mechanisms, causing some of the features to backfire, and also to be aware of the precise actions of the feet and toes which will activate the boots’ various features to avoid accidental activation and possible loss of life and limb.